Monday, August 21, 2006

I know it all...

I guess I should be more clear. I don't want just anyone at all. Were that the case, I'd probably already be married to some hick, country, Stillers fan who'll never leave the county. I'm just disappointed more than anything cause I put a lot into me and A and it didn't work and I'm bummed. It took so long for that to become legitmate and then it was stupid for sooo long - I'm just not used to being both unhappy and alone. I was alone - and then I was with someone and happy and then I was with someone and miserable. So this new square inside the matrix is a bummer. I want you to know that I don't even really want to date someone now. I'm not ready and I'm too hurt and this town is full of Barneys. By the time I'm out of here, hopefully I'll be a little more over this. But I'm not over it yet and it still hurts and I wish I had someone to hold me (cause even when he was a dick there was still that and I hate that I let that become the important thing). Everything just sucks right now. I don't want a guy, I want to be happy again and that's all mixed up and confused in my head. So when I should be thinking "I wish I was happy" I think "I wish I wasn't alone." The aren't the same, but they are in my head right now and it sucks...

Anyway, I don't want you to think that I'm going to be a psycho and jump on the first thing that walks by. I've already turned down a few guys since me and Aaron and I'm not gonna sell myself short. I just want to be happy again - and that is a personal issue - not something that a guy is gonna fix anyway.

It's just ass right now.


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